23

on birthdays and the passage of time

I was born in the middle of winter, about 2 weeks after the new year. I know there’s a thing about crying on your birthday, but that’s never been me. I do my crying about the passage of time about a month earlier—on Christmas. Every year Christmas seems to get more and more watered down, the magic fading. But every year my birthday only gets more vibrant. I get to surround myself by people who love me and I get to throw a party with a theme that’s fully up to me. Recent themes include “Y2Kath Ends the World,” “Superbad,” and this year: “Medieval Court Holding Jester Tryouts.”

I like that my birthday aligns nearly perfectly with the new year. Something about winter and purging all the decay and baggage from the previous year to allow new growth to sprout. Every year I get stronger and braver and smarter and better. I’ve been hearing from many of my older friends that 23 is a hard year—they say it’s akin to 19. I hear that and a shiver fights its way through my body, this past year was pretty hard for me, and the year before that, and the year before that. I wonder if those were regular years actually and maybe 23 will present me with new heights of difficulty.

I remember being twenty-three
So sure that I had learned everything
In the pictures, I'm so young and green
That's what I say now that I've seen
That I'm stupid in the moment and so wise when I look back
I thought I understood it, what a time I've had

-Eliza McLamb, “Forever, Like That”

I tell my therapist that I’m not afraid of growing older. That’s true for the most part. I’m excited to get to experience new things and grow and adapt. Each year I’ve gotten cooler and hotter, so hopefully that trend continues. I have been very aware lately of the other side of growing older: my own mortality. I am so aware of the vast number of things that could kill me in any given day— both inside and outside of my own body. My heart could give out, a blood clot could block the oxygen to my brain, my ceiling could collapse on top of me, the train car could catch on fire.

My grandmother is admitted into the hospital with pneumonia and I hold my breath until I hear she is being discharged. If I hold my breath, if I don’t look death directly in the eye, maybe it won’t notice that I’m here. I see news stories and Instagram posts about people who died too soon, too young. I think that couldn’t happen to me. I think no one thinks it’ll happen to them until it does.

---

I’m returning to this one week into being 23. I don’t know what all that was about mortality, but one week into being 23 and it’s off to a good start. Contrary to what I wrote earlier, I did cry on my birthday—twice actually. But to be fair, it was also day one of my period.

On my birthday, I was enveloped with friendship. Brunch with friends, thoughtful texts, notes, phone calls, dinner with my parents, and a birthday party Dharvi and I spent over a month planning. I might go so far as to say it was the best birthday I’ve had, maybe?

I’m excited for what 23 holds for me. Here’s 23 goals for 23.

1. Get ripped (and by that I mean work out and get stronger)

2. Get tatted (and by that I mean get 1 tattoo)

3. Grow my community (Jamaica Plain baby!)

4. Kiss beautiful girls (and by that I mean…)

5. Smile

6. Find a bookclub and we actually read books and meet (Karenna please please please)

7. Drink more water (and maybe less coffee)

8. Do my skin care (I’ve recently discovered that I can do it immediately after being in the shower because then it’s less bad to splash my face)

9. READ MORE BOOKS (I only read 13 books in 2025 and I’d like to hit 25 this year)

10. Make beautiful things with my hands

11. Give beautiful things I’ve made to beautiful friends

12. Stand up for myself (say what I need)

13. Dance (with my full body)

14. Lead with kindness and honesty

15. Be beautiful

16. Make friends with my coworkers

17. Dye my hair again… and cut it shorter

18. Dress gayer (this one is courtesy of Dharvi)

19. Write (both for you guys and just for me)

20. Love myself….and give myself grace….and forgive myself when I mess up

21. Trust (in myself, in others)

22. Learn (about the world, about history, about myself)

23. Become better, stronger, and smarter